What On Earth Am I Here For?

A few months ago I attended a bible study using the book entitled "What on Earth am I Here For" by Rick Warren.  Many may recall the book "The Purpose Driven Life" also written by Rick Warren - and I have read that as well.  The difference in "What on Earth Am I Here For" was we studied chapter in a group form and homework was to listen to the audio and visual accompanying segments by Pastor Rick Warren each week.  To say I was shocked and amazed would not give the experience the credit it deserves.  As with sitting in a church service and listening to any prolific speaker, everyone has a different "take-away".  In other words, what touched me may not touch you during the particular setting.  This book unequivocally changed my life and paged the way for unexpected events that were yet to come in my life.

In June of 2017 my brother passed away and two days later, my mother passed away.  Now, to lay a foundation as to how I had to process this loss, let's go back nearly 22 years.  Twenty-two years ago, I moved to South Carolina to get away from an abusive relationship.  Someone I loved with all of my heart one day saw me as an enemy.  Yes, I was sleeping with the enemy.  He would choke me as a form of submission and I thought I would die-more than once.  Prior to the incidents of abuse, he had a special needs son who consequently passed away, he did NOT go to the child's funeral but I did not think too much of it at the time because I was pregnant myself.  He tearfully looked me in the eyes and reflected on how he wanted to be the father to our child that he was not to his son.  He and I went to counselling before we had our daughter and I told him that I wanted her to learn what a functional relationship was through us.  Meaning, it was okay to disagree but it was not okay to be disagreeable.  I go in to detail to give you a sense of my knowing about domestic abuse but more to parallel my dialogue with my "take away" from Pastor Rick Warren's book "What on Earth Am I Here For".  Without hesitation, I NOW realize that I am here for YOU.

I understand thought processes that only people who have been though what I have carry.    Yeah, Yeah, Yeah theologians direct you to the bible and remind you to take your burdens to the Lord and leave them there but I did not know how to release this pain to God.  I could look into the innocent face of my daughter who looked like "him" and feel pain.  For years I just existed because she needed me but I was not living.   My emotional lights were on but no one was home.  I did tell you tell you that I moved 12 hours away from my abuser but I was still emotionally attached-and he knew it.  He could call me on the phone and evoke the same fears as though he was in the next room.  He even came down to Sough Carolina once and visited my trailer and asked me to "get myself together' so that I could send for him as he wanted to relocate with us.  I still believed in "family" and I wanted him to know his daughter at the expense of my own crushed feelings.  My self-esteem was damaged because he told me no one would ever want me-but him.  Fast-forward, over time, I began to cry out to God and God began the rugged process of delivering me from "him".  Longest story short and further explained in my book "Cast Down But Not Destroyed", he later got 4th stage terminal cancer in his head, neck, lymph nodes and his voice box was cancerous as well but the doctors chose to leave his voice box to give me a quality of life.  Half of his tongue was removed, eight teeth and he went through 90 bouts of chemo and radiation.  I sent him a typewritten copy of the "Sinner's Prayer" and told him that his relationship with God was a personal decision.  He IS still alive as of this writing and periodically sends a FaceBook text to our now 23 year old daughter and the last of which noted that he had "something to tell her" in the form of a letter but he has not sent her anything yet.  I used to send him her report cards and sought to involve him with her life because HE had control, even though I had escaped the physical scars of our once lovely union.

So where am I headed with this missive to you.  I know you.  Come out, come out where ever you are!  There are generations of women and m en who have re-married and re-located and no one knows they have been victims because they refuse to "talk about it".  How do I know-I am YOU.  Difference is I am out of the closet and determined to "End the Silence".  To say one is a survivor is not a badge of honor one would proudly wear because it takes so much to EARN the right to say "I Survived".  But it also begs to ask the question, "Why did God allow me to survive"?  I thought it was to be a parent and partially that is true.  After walking away from the last day of the class highlighting the book "What On Earth Am I Here For" I realized I am authentically here for YOU.  My pain is the platform to heal other hurting men and women.  My disclaimer is that I am not the poster child for domestic abuse BUT there is a physical side of the horror and there is a much more painful side and that is the mental abuse.

Losing my brother and my mother was painful for sure but being in Sough Carolina for so many years we did not see one another that often  Mentally I miss them.  My mother and I talked almost every day and we laughed like teens.  I was not beside her bed when she transitioned from earth to eternity but I got on my knees beside my bed and told her it was "Okay to go" noting that "I will be fine".  My dad passed away over five years ago and I knew she missed him so I told her "when Dad reaches out his hand to you, take it because he misses you too".  She knew the Lord so I know she is present with The Father now.

My challenge to you is to accept what was and reach for what is.  My journey may be different from yours but pain is pain.  The worst pain I can imagine is that enlisted via domestic abuse because your defenses are down.  I am spending my days and my nights seeking to encourage others based on the unfair situation I was put in.  Yes, I was going through life wearing rose colored glasses which also in turn kept me from seeing the "red flags" but I did not deserve what I went through.

On the up side, my healing is the benchmark for being here for YOU.  As you will see from my book, it is listed as "Janet Michelle" as the author.  Why???  Well because at the time I wrote it I was scared that "he" would find out that I emptied my heart of the wicked person he once was for the world to see.  Although he cannot talk anymore, I can honestly say I forgave him for what he did to me and the family unit we once had.  Forgiving him gave me back MY freedom.  My daughter and I spend an enormous amount of time together and psychologically I think I do it because I owe her a part of me I was unable to give to her.  She is graduating with a degree as a Pastry Chef soon and pursuing another degree thereafter.  I refused to put her in a position of "hating men" because my relationship failed and I do not speak ill of her father.  I finally learned how to take my burden to the Lord.... and leave it there.

Deborah's Freedom is your freedom too.  I don't want anyone to waste as much time as I did trying to come to grips with "what happened'.  NOTHING caught God by surprise.  He is daily giving me beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.  I believe he is restoring the years because I have finally decided to give myself away.  I am giving myself away to YOU.

I used to cry seven days a week.  I noticed I was crying only five days a week.  Then one day I found myself crying three, then two days a week.  One day I actually caught myself smiling when I looked in the mirror.  Pain and grief has a process.  You do not live in it and rehearse it.  You learn from the lesson or else you repeat it.  I still have challenges and "wishes" inside of me but God is merciful and kind.  I was placed on earth for reasons that exceed my wishes and dreams.  I now know I have PURPOSE.  I want to help you face your giant and defeat your giant.  My life is to see others set free from the bondage of domestic abuse and thrive.  I held on to the pain longer than I should have.  My best friends had NO IDEA of the danger I lived in.  I hope my words will encourage you to "come out, come out wherever you are" - our deliverance could save the next generations.

I could not be more grateful for Pastor Rick Warren's book.

It changed my life forever!!

Lord, I am available to you.