The Closing of a Bitter Chapter
Today I returned from the funeral of my daughter's father. When we got to the funeral home my daughter asked me if she was being disrespectful for NOT crying. I am not surprised at her question and told her to filter her emotions in an honest way. The fact is, she does not KNOW him. They have the same DNA but that is where the similarities end.
By now many of you know that my sojourn to Sough Carolina was to get away from him. He had such rage and he frequently took his frustrations out on me. Looking back, I believe he was lacking tools and actually hated himself and made the world suffer because of his inadequacies.
I asked the funeral direction for permission to "touch" his corpse. While adorned with fine clothes that fit coffin presentation-I had to touch his hands (I touched them THREE TIMES). Truth is I wanted to know that he was dead. Sounds funny but I needed to get him out of my rear view mirror of life. He used to threaten me that he would drive to Sough Carolina (where I have no family) and take my daughter - even if it meant by force. These same hands once choked me. Everything in that coffin looked like my abuser but he was not there anymore. No more do I have to hear a knock on the door because the police want to arrest ME for (as he told them) - I was trying to prevent him from seeing his daughter. While I DID have an order of protection, I was scared that he would be in my rear view mirror (and he had been before) seeking to satisfy some strange series of angered motions against me. I NEEDED to see him dead. I needed closure for me and my daughter. I touched him.
The 4th stage terminal diagnosis did not stop him from being obnoxious either. In fact, the family court favored highly on his behalf and he arrogantly told me that "he could use his illness against me whenever he wanted to". UUUUGH.
My daughter and I sat on the front seat of the memorial chapel where his body was with the family. I have lost 100 pounds since they last saw me. I confidently walked into the venue, dressed like the sophisticated SURVIVOR I am sat down and listened. My daughter and I almost choked when the person doing the eulogy (his cousin) talked about how much he loved and took care of his children. We remained steadfast and decided BEFORE the ceremony that we would be pleasant amidst the moment for which we were presented and talk later.
My mind is racing with what went wrong - but a few things went right as well. You see, When Johnny got to the hospital and his condition was beyond that of medical assistance, the priest prayed the "Lord's Prayer" at the point of saying "AMEN" - Johnny shut his eyes and transitioned. Independent of what Johnny may have said or done in his life - he cried Lord, Lord in his final hours to take his place with the King; (2) At the funeral, my daughter bravely stood before the curious, shocked and saddened crowd and eloquently spoke kind words about her father (I was so proud that she was trained up as a child - and the fruits of my labor was on display at was was an emotional time and place). I am proud of her.
By the way, he had another child. He would NOT give us his number and we accepted that we may never see or talk to my daughter's biological brother. As fate would have it - my daughter MET her biological brother and the similarities are amazing... her brother is charming and I got a chance to give him a hug. Her brother's mom told me that she asked Johnny for our number s well - but to no avail. When we got a FaceBook message to connect - my daughter and I were perplexed. At the end of the day, God gave us a gift-my daughter is not an "only child" but she and her brother are now looking forward to God redeeming the time for them to get to know each other better. Praise God.
Periodically, I will return to the emptying of my heart.
Right now I am grateful to be back home. I am grateful that God took what was evil and turned it around for our good. I will dedicate my life to helping hurting people to heal. I know what a broken heart feels like - but I also know about the healing balm that God provides.
This bitter chapter of my life is now done. I can now use the pen of humility to begin the new book of life and it is gonna be awesome.
Maybe, just maybe, I am authentically free.
By now many of you know that my sojourn to Sough Carolina was to get away from him. He had such rage and he frequently took his frustrations out on me. Looking back, I believe he was lacking tools and actually hated himself and made the world suffer because of his inadequacies.
I asked the funeral direction for permission to "touch" his corpse. While adorned with fine clothes that fit coffin presentation-I had to touch his hands (I touched them THREE TIMES). Truth is I wanted to know that he was dead. Sounds funny but I needed to get him out of my rear view mirror of life. He used to threaten me that he would drive to Sough Carolina (where I have no family) and take my daughter - even if it meant by force. These same hands once choked me. Everything in that coffin looked like my abuser but he was not there anymore. No more do I have to hear a knock on the door because the police want to arrest ME for (as he told them) - I was trying to prevent him from seeing his daughter. While I DID have an order of protection, I was scared that he would be in my rear view mirror (and he had been before) seeking to satisfy some strange series of angered motions against me. I NEEDED to see him dead. I needed closure for me and my daughter. I touched him.
The 4th stage terminal diagnosis did not stop him from being obnoxious either. In fact, the family court favored highly on his behalf and he arrogantly told me that "he could use his illness against me whenever he wanted to". UUUUGH.
My daughter and I sat on the front seat of the memorial chapel where his body was with the family. I have lost 100 pounds since they last saw me. I confidently walked into the venue, dressed like the sophisticated SURVIVOR I am sat down and listened. My daughter and I almost choked when the person doing the eulogy (his cousin) talked about how much he loved and took care of his children. We remained steadfast and decided BEFORE the ceremony that we would be pleasant amidst the moment for which we were presented and talk later.
My mind is racing with what went wrong - but a few things went right as well. You see, When Johnny got to the hospital and his condition was beyond that of medical assistance, the priest prayed the "Lord's Prayer" at the point of saying "AMEN" - Johnny shut his eyes and transitioned. Independent of what Johnny may have said or done in his life - he cried Lord, Lord in his final hours to take his place with the King; (2) At the funeral, my daughter bravely stood before the curious, shocked and saddened crowd and eloquently spoke kind words about her father (I was so proud that she was trained up as a child - and the fruits of my labor was on display at was was an emotional time and place). I am proud of her.
By the way, he had another child. He would NOT give us his number and we accepted that we may never see or talk to my daughter's biological brother. As fate would have it - my daughter MET her biological brother and the similarities are amazing... her brother is charming and I got a chance to give him a hug. Her brother's mom told me that she asked Johnny for our number s well - but to no avail. When we got a FaceBook message to connect - my daughter and I were perplexed. At the end of the day, God gave us a gift-my daughter is not an "only child" but she and her brother are now looking forward to God redeeming the time for them to get to know each other better. Praise God.
Periodically, I will return to the emptying of my heart.
Right now I am grateful to be back home. I am grateful that God took what was evil and turned it around for our good. I will dedicate my life to helping hurting people to heal. I know what a broken heart feels like - but I also know about the healing balm that God provides.
This bitter chapter of my life is now done. I can now use the pen of humility to begin the new book of life and it is gonna be awesome.
Maybe, just maybe, I am authentically free.
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