WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES!!
Have you ever met someone that felt like they could "play the cards" YOU were dealt in life better than you are "playing them"? I mean, "they" have loads of ideas of what "they" wold do if "they" were you. Often times "their" own life is filled with chaos BUT "they" still have advice for you. You ever been there? If not - keep on living. People will seek to live "their" life - through YOU. "This" personality type of a person has "all the answers" to life - EXCEPT for the ability to "TAKE CHARGE OF "THEIR" OWN LIFE!. I mean if "they" had four divorces, I am not "settled" in getting marriage advice from "them". On one hand, at least I could learn what NOT to do but to look to "them" on advice on how to foster my own "healthy marriage" - well.... maybe NOT!
That phrase "walk a mile in my shoes" has been watered down and diminished in value. Truth is - EVERYONE has their own journey. These personal journeys are peppered with hills and valleys, mountain top experiences and treacherous roads to navigate. Secret sins and public victories round out SOME of the journey but the essence of this prose is simple: Until you have "walked in my shoes" you CANNOT accurately tell ME how to put one foot in front of the other! No matter how "close" you gain access to the lives of people - there is that "something" that is not meant for social commentary and overall, people KNOW how to HIDE or suppress the best of times - and the worst of times.
It is NOT uncommon to view investigative channels outlining documentaries of people both past and present - and see a "riveting" episode about the "predator next door" or the "unassuming "soccer mom" that had a "secret life. People that have blended into the landscape of of our day and we are STUNNED when the "truth" of their past becomes public. That shock and awe effect will take the room out of the air because "who knew"? I mean, who would have imagined that the non-assuming parent who squeezed in the seat next to you at the PTA meeting was also a stripper by night just to pay her bills! Who knew that the Assistant Principal (... for example) was like a "kid in a candy store" when he or she came to the local elementary school - because he or she had a prior arrest for being a pedophile? These are "extreme" examples of AWE - but news reports evidence stores that are much worse! Somebody in YOUR neighbor, sub-division or place of business is hiding a secret that would BLOW YOUR MIND! Maybe it is YOU!!
Similarly speaking, people may want "what YOU have" without fully knowing what it took for you to "have what you have". All people SEE is what they see - they do not know the "back story". That jealous rage can be a silent demon and those closest to you will say "oh, that's nice" while referring to your VICTORY while in their hearts hating that you took a step forward! If you get a "gut feeling" when a situation arises - are you mature enough to recognize that "God could be trying to tell you something"?
Let's say - you earned that corner office after many years of dedicated service to your company. People may not know how your wife (or husband) may have had to sacrifice to take care of the home while YOU put in unpaid hours. People don't notice the times you may have been unfairly treated and you had to "bite your tongue". Folks may not know your sleepless nights to give quality to a team that degrades EVERYTHING you do. These same people don't understand the POWER of a praying wife (or husband). Instead of talking about your spouse or significant other - consider that they are taking a"blow to the chin" every time they leave your presence. We live in a cruel world!! Keep home a peaceful environment 'cause this is where we need to "refuel". The aura and fragrance of your home should be a "refreshing scent". Now, it is actually okay to have a "difference" of opinion - just be ADULTS" and "reason" things out. Use your home time to recognize how IMPORTANT you "really" are - and as a spouse - make sure you remind him (or her) how much you appreciate their efforts - whether they decide to talk about it or not.
Watch the "shoes you wanna walk in".
How about adults who are innocent victims of molestation or rape. The twisted adult who took their innocence and this little mind has to seek to process it all. I KNOW "men" who have turned into "monsters" to mask something that scarred them as a child. Some (whom I have met) are angry and aggressive during sex - even taking viagra to enhance and intensify the sexual experience while their MIND is fixed on "what happened" that they refuse to talk abpit. Some have become addicted to destructive behaviors because they have diluted their mind to believe that they have "gotten over" their loss of innocence. In fact, they are still children in an adult body - unable to get their lips to say "I was molested or raped as a child" because of the negative "label" that will be attached to them. Unfortunately, SOME people look at counseling and therapy as TABOO. but truth is - healing comes in layers and carrying pain is too heavy a burden. I suggest seeking help and not burying such a sacred sin. Freedom is sweet - but freedom will cost you. Freedom will cost you giving up the OLD YOU - for a NEW YOU. It will cost you to "take off your mask" and begin to look at YOURSELF in the mirror - COMPLETELY NAKED for real this time. Freedom will cost you coming face to face with your issues - giving them to god and LEAVING THEM THERE. Oh yeah, there will be tears and lots and lots and lots of questions but darkness has NO association with light! I urge you to come out of the weight of darkness and embrace the light of who you "really" are. Do it for YOU.
I assure you - no one wants to "take a walk in YOUR shoes" either!! Would they?
Perhaps NONE of these scenarios "rang a bell with you" and I give YOU a standing ovation!! Don't fool yourself - in the still of the night, YOU have that "SOMETHING" you would prefer no one knows about YOU! That nagging question, "what would people think IF they knew knew that >>>>>> (fill in the blank). You put on your "duck lips" and share "selfies" of a well "put together" person BUT - if people only knew what it was like to "walk in YOUR shoes"!!! Perhaps only YOU know what "THAT THING"is but it pulls at your heart string, doesn't it?
Thing is - loads of people feel ALONE INSIDE. That hollow feeling of not "feeling good enough" because the social constructs of this generation would frown on them if anyone "knew" about "THAT THING" that has laid dormant. One of the best things I ever did was to become transparent. Oh no, not everyone is privileged to ALL OF ME - BUT I have avenues of releasing the pressure of the weight of life. FEW people TRULY KNOW ME - and that is a CHOICE. Not EVERYONE could even handle the depth of my tears - but I don't PRETEND certain things did not happen, either. I am so much STRONGER than I have ever been!
Psalms 119:71 is my ever present reminder, "It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I might learn thy statues".
I am a BEAST because of what I have been through! I often internally "THANK" so many people for NOT helping me when I was screaming for help - because had "they" helped me I would have to thank "them". God ALONE gets the Glory and God will not share his Glory with no one. People that I KNEW could help me would NOT - because "they" could NOT fathom I was carrying such burdens! I "learned" how ti disguise my situations because at the end of the day "they" either would NOT help me without "reminding"me that they helped me or because God pinned my back to the wall and all I could do is call out to HIM.
In this season of isolation - I had to learn that God was actually separating me! Oh, yeah - I felt abandoned - but God was PREPARING me for such a time as THIS! I assure you - NO ONE would want to "walk in my shoes" - but then again - my journey was tailor made for ME. Everyone will have their own "cross to bear". I am MUCH more sensitive to human needs now that I had to overcome life when the ODDS were stacked AGAINST ME. #BUTGOD
Let's set the stage for this very personal conversation today. My ex was a NARC! You can think that this is a "buzz word" all you want but when I tell you that life with a [person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder is your closest visit to the "dark side" without smelling the embers of the burning fire of hell - BELIEVE ME! It is a "real" disorder that has had its place riding "under" the radar. It is a "silent killer" and it is as mentally dysfunctional as it is financially, emotionally and physically debilitating. If you know one - you understand - if you ARE one - seek help! Th daily unpredictable nature of this beat is troubling enough - the WORST of it is that most of the NARCs activities are done "without a witness". A "covert" animal that will ROAR in private and SMILE in public! Calculating demon with the ability to FAKE LOVE in order to seduce their prey! From "Love Bombing" - to "Gaslighting" - to "Morphing" - to "Mirroring" to "going GHOST" .... you better KNOW your opponent cause YOUR OPPONENT KNOWS YOU! A NARC will kill you and go to McDonald's - eat a happy meal and tell the police "I have no idea what happened". A NARC will confuse you and make you their SLAVE. CONTROL is very, very important to the NARC. A NARC is like a "chameleon" with the ability to "change their colors" to blend in with the landscape. The family of a NARC can "sometimes" cover up for their behavior leaving YOU helpless with NO ONE believing what is happening behind closed doors! This is a very "destructive" personality. My NARC started going to "Anger Management Classes". Is that not an oxy-moron? Someone to "teach a NARC" how to "manage their anger". What a NARC "really" needs is the help from the medical health profession! Oh but wait - the NARC feels "superior" and absent of a conscious. Their selfish nature and heightened sense of entitlement keeps them from even believing "they" have a problem. If there are ten people in a room that agree that the sky is blue - the NARC will argue that it is YELLOW and think the other nine are fools! The lens from which the NARC looks through is cloudy but they are NEVER wrong!! Remember that! I was hunted, I was seduced and I was part of his "supply" and did not know what I was getting into until I was ALL THE WAY IN. Scared to come home and even more frightened to leave!! NO ONE could BELIEVE me when I cried - most said "he does not LOOK like that to me"! Heck, salt looks like sugar too! A NARC is MASTERFUL at mind-control!! Being in the clutches of a NARC is dangerous! If you "see" subtle signs that a loved one is living with a NARC - develop a strategy - if the NARC allows your family member to speak to you - plan a way of escape! Don't tilt your head like this is foreign to you! Talk to someone that has "survived" a NARC attack. Better yet, check the family of someone whose loved one DIED at the hands of an insensitive, egotistical NARC! After you do your own investigations regarding the validity of these words, "Call me". Heck, GOOGLE the traits of a NARC. "Call me" - I'm waiting~~YOU may be "Sleeping With The Enemy" and not even realize it... YET!! <"deep sign - while sipping my tea>
Still thinking about "walking in my shoes"? You aint' EVEN heard NOTHING yet!!
Back to point. Our personal - very non-assuming lives are full of "secrets". Truth is - if I were to become FULLY TRANSPARENT - most would NEVER imagine I had to recover from some of the "stuff" I had to. I am a vehement advocate for domestic abuse - because that IS a part of my past BUT - it is a also a CRITICAL tool to help others. Most of the people that have known me for YEARS AND YEARS are "still" in shock to know that I SUFFERED at the hands of someone I loved. The journey to recovery was PAINFUL beyond measure but I can NOW "feel" people who are IN, OUT or GOING THROUGH their own hell - at the hands of someone they love and became vulnerable enough to trust. I understand the confusion, I understand "feeling trapped", I fully "understand" the physical abuse. I understand the financial depletion and the SHAME. I successfully "held it in" until people started asking ne "how is it that you are so strong"? Life changed ME - I changed because I HAD to. I had options. I could carry the weight of this injustice OR I could take it to the Cross tp My Father. Listen here.... I am NOT saying this journey was easy but it is possible to RECOVER. There are those "trigger" moments and I "replay" a particular episode in my mind BUT I just don't "LIVE THERE" anymore. Grant it - standing in front of the coffin of my former abuser CHANGED the lens of my personal narrative but having to raise a child through this trauma was a daunting task! One episode that played a "flash back" was the day my former abuser called the POLICE ON ME becaise he wanted to hurt ME through seeking a false parental role with our daughter. Don't get me wrong - I was NEVER one to "KEEP" him from our daughter - I just did not relish the GAMES! In keeping with my "survival mode" - my former abuser stood in a courtroom and told the judge that I (Deborah) had no "sympathy" for his 4th stage cancer diagnosis. Later whispering to me - in the same court room "I can USE my cancer diagnosis AGAINST you whenever I I want to". (.... and he did!) UUUUUGH! Back to the police officers at my home - the blinding blue lights and police in full effect! First I was embarrassed - shocked and scared - especially when the handcuffs were presented to me as an option! Now wait a minute! I RAN to a different state to escape this once evil man and I am the problem. My mind cold not comprehend. You mean to tell me - the abuser has RIGHTS under the law? Let me be first to tell you - the abuser sure does!!! So how did the police situation end? WELL.... each and every time my abuser sought a "higher power" (the court system) - I put my little feet on the floor and called on "MY HIGHER POWER". In this particular scenario, the police called back to "someone on the phone" - to make sure my abuser was aware that "they" had my daughter and was to deliver her to HIM - just to find out that my abuser relapsed and was in critical condition in the hospital!! Fast-forward - the PATTERN began to unfold - EVERY time - Each and EVERY time my abuser called authorities after ME - my God would attack HIM as though to say "touch NOT my anointed"!! Over time - my former abuser just STOPPED TRYING to emotionally or physically harm us because even HE saw the pattern that he would literally FALL when opposing the Power of God within ME. I assure you, I do not take glee in his transition to eternity - but I sure am GLAD to be free form the DRAMA! I am fortunate - because I personally know women AND men who are six-feet under at the hands of their abuser. I am now a party of ONE - hoping to help others because "I fully understand" this dark underground - I once lived there myself. It is as real as the breath you breathe. People just don't "talk" about it From the penthouse to the projects, I communicate with people too scared to stay but too scared to leave as well. Wealthy people who want to put a gun in their own mouth to kill THEMSELVES to less fortunate women and men living on the streets feeling that a soup kitchen is better than going back home. Yes, Pastors, Bishops and other significant titled clergy are SUFFERING but are willing to ENDURE for the sake of "what people may say". Some are sitting on the pew right next to YOU and they wear make-up to conceal their black eye!! I 'feel" you! I met a well known politician whose husband would BEAT her - she would spend weeks in the shelter - he would call for her to come home and buy her diamonds! She would go home and the cycle would happen again and again BUT "SHE" was willing to take a 'licking" to have the lifestyle she desired. She TOLD me that partial freedom was OK. Thing is - you CANNOT help a person that finds satisfaction in a dysfunctional relationship. Don't try to reason with "them" - THEY will know when "they" have had enough - when "they" do something about it. Sad - but it is true!!
Do you still wanna take a "walk in my shoes"? Come on - I wear size 6-1/2 or size 7 - wanna squeeze in these pumps? I will give you a pair - as long as you "call me" and tell me how you feel! I GUARANTEE you will not get very far if you ONLY knew what it has taken for ME to walk this walk!!
Wanna try your hand at being a single-mom, huh? Okay, let's try being a sing-mom and you have NO family in a state where you know NO one. C'mon , let's "really" make it complicated. Go ahead and apply for food stamps and get sent an EBT card with $12 on it - yeah, I said it - I qualified for TWELVE WHOLE DOLLARS WORTH OF FOOD STAMPS - because my minimum wage job put me $8 (EIGHT DOLLARS) ABOVE THE POVERTY LINE! So then, there was rent, day care, eating and gas. Most months I barely had $50 for me - no wait - here comes a !!&*(@ school project! DANG! Okay, now you have to work overtime. Good thing, Right? WRONG! Daycare ATE THAT UP! Go ahead and be "late" to pick up your child from daycare - even for legitimate reasons - the charge is enormous!! I understand having to pay for personnel - but can you understand that I am "doing the best I can"? Secondary education was not a whole lot brighter, yall! School was dismissed 2-1/2 hours BEFORE I could escape work ---- SOOOOO the journey continues with after-school care costs!! By now, I got a decent job and was able to not depend on the $12 food stamps but there is that elusive "child support check". Could not depend on that either!! OMG - I remember going to the gas station and my debit cart was declined. Wait one cotton picking minute here. I got a whole $75.00 this week in child support payment paid by check from her father! I mean, I took it to the bank a few days ago - surely it had cleared by now. I only wanted $5 dollars in gas (that's right - FIVE DOLLARS in gas - I had to pick my daughter up in 20 minutes or that fee would double by the minute!! OMG what do I do? I nervously called the bank and asked "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM"? The rather morose customer service representative told me my account was OVERDRAWN+!! Okay, Okay, Okay! What do you mean, OVERDRAWN! Turns out the last TWO child support checks for $75 had BOUNCED and BOUNCED and BOUNCED. My mind started to race! How do I go and get my daughter - my car is on "E", I had NO money, each minute meant something, TO ME. With tears in my eyes, I saw people enter and exit the gas station handling their business and I was not sure if my car would even start! I could SELL MY BODY at this point but I did not even have time for that!! Would be my luck I'd get a man with erectile dysfunction and counterfeit money! Perplexed but not abandoned I did what I KNEW to do - I prayed! Because I was so poor - I KNEW where every dime was so checking the seats for "loose change" was "stupid" for ME. Oh, God - let there be a few quarters to get me out of this!!!!!!!!!! I pulled out old french fries and Cheerios and NOTHING! By this time I am "speaking in tongues" reminding God of His promises to me and at the same time I was SURE" that God had just FORGOTTEN about me! By this time I considered lying on the ground and having some stranger call day care to say I was being sent to the hospital!!! NO joke. I saw a police car maneuver in the parking lot of the gas station and was SURE the attendants called the police on me! "There is a hysterical woman at Pump #7 - send back-up" - were the words pulsating in my mind!!! Did my ex arrange for me to be arrested AGAIN! Expecting to be approached by the police - I opened the latch on my broken glove compartment and a $20 bill fell out! What are you saying! A whole $20 fell out! I had "forgotten" it was there "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY". Well, this was an EMERGENCY". I went BACK into the gas station and got my coveted $5 in gas and a bag of chips!! Got in my car and the day care was on the phone. Oh, Dear Jesus! Well, well, well - day care was ASKING me IF THEY COULD TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO DINNER .... free pizza for everyone! Holding back the tears - I emphatically said - ahhhhh, "YES"!!!! I nervously moved my car to the side of the building because am anxious driver was now behind me and found a place to "REALLY CRY". Not only did God provide the gas = but I had NOTHING at home to eat so making sure my daughter ate was most important to me. THEN. yes, THEN - a couple from church called me - while STILL parked in the gas station parking lot to say that their NEW refrigerator was broken - they needed to empty it so that SEARS could pick it up with the message "Deborah, can we GIVE you the groceries from our freezer" - "we just went shopping and everything will spoil". Get this - we had over two-weeks of groceries! Scenes like THIS was common for me. A stressful job, managing a home (by myself), school, homework, lunches, peer pressure unreliable child support and NOBODY to help! Day after day and year after year - God proved Himself to me in tangible ways. I did not have the luxury to "feel sorry" for myself - I had to put my feet on the floor and "make life happen" with threats of my ex abuser in my rear view mirror! I felt felt like I was a character in a "HORROR MOVIE" forever "stuck" in this "HORRIBLE PIT" - but God NEVER failed me!!
Because of my experiences as a "single mom" - I tend to lack sympathy for people struggling because if I could get through it - I felt ANYBODY could. Try going to the Department of Health to get your medical services. The questions they had to ask me made my jaw drop!! I understood the "line of questioning" and the questions were fashioned out of the experiences of prior patients BUT I could not fathom what I had to go through in order to get a needle for my daughter to go to school! I "tip my hat" off to the staff. On second thought - maybe someone should "take a walk in THEIR shoes"! Over a period of time - I got to recognize some of hte patients in the waiting room with me. After they told me some of THEIR stories - suddenly my plight was not nearly as bad as I imagined! It was THEN that I k
I knewI had a story to tell. How selfish of me! There is so much for me to teach other women and men in the same (or worse) predicament! From Orders of Protection to Family Court. From poverty to actually having a "little something" extra at the end of the month. I soon LEARNED the restaurants where "kids eat free" so we had an occasional "nigh out". I LEARNED hot to S-T-R-E-T-C-H a dollar. My daughter told me I could "squeak" cause I was so cheap! I LEARNED how to cook so well that my daughter would rather eat at home than to go out! :-) (By the way, my daughter graduated form the Culinary Arts Program as a Pastry Chef)!! I LEARNED how to make great meals that would last for several days! Take a chicken or a turkey for instance. Day 1: baked turkey (Thanksgiving style); Day 2: Chicken/Turkey sandwiches; Day 3: Chicken/Turkey salad on a bed of lettuce; Day 4: Chicken/Turkey soup! Left-overs (because it was only two of us - in the freezer) - possibly for next week - over pasta and sauteed spinach with alfredo sauce! YUM!! How about this - purchase pizza crust and put it on the grill! Get the char-marks on one side and then the fun begins! Build your own pizza! Fun time together with my daughter making MEMORIES and it tastes fantastic! The pizza was immediately consumed BUT the MEMORIES last forever!! I could not afford bread crumbs BUT I learned how to crush potato chips - dip chicken in a egg wash and the crushed potatoes and in the oven it goes! We had a condiment drawer in the fridge from the few times we could afford to eat out - and she was ALLOWED pick her sauce. I tried to take my FOCUS off of what we did NOT have - while I DID FOCUS on what we DID have. We had each other. We had God. I did not want her to HATE men because of what she saw HIM do to me. In fact - over time - I taught her to pray for him. "Father forgive HIM - for he knows not what he is doing!) There is a penalty for touching God's anointed! I was NOT "better" than him - I walked with GOD, though! .. and I "still" do!!
My credit score was 270 at that time but I learned what to do WITHOUT and wrote letters to the credit reporting agencies and used discipline (paying for things with CASH ONLY) to raise my credit score to over 800! I LEARNED so much during those LEAN YEARS! A vacation was NOT gonna happen but I became inventive and would book a hotel" and have a "stay at home vacation"..... :-) Oh, those were some days that tried my very soul!!!!! I visibly WATCHED God come through for me in ways many could not even IMAGINE!!! Looking back, I do not even know how we got "though" were it not for the MIGHTY Hand of God. I purchased my first home - then graduated to our second home - and we are now living in our third home. Miracle after miracle! The mighty hand of God was there on me and I am forever grateful for the journey! The best thing of all is KNOWING that the BEST IS (still) YET TO COME!
Hey, you "still" wanna "walk in my shoes"? Here you go. Now, "Call me"!
I steadfastly tell you - in closing - some of my WORST CHALLENGES have been IN CHURCH! There is a wicked "thread" that allows people to throw their money on the altar and not throwing their sins! The diluted church as we know it - is fully a subject for another time. I could recount a smorgasbord of examples I PERSONALLY experienced but this prose is not identified for that. Just TRUST ME - if you wanna start to question God, question church folk - from the pulpit to the door - to to CHURCH!! It is NOT beyond my lens of understanding why there has been an EXODUS from Christianity and people going to church. The people who MOCK God (through their foul actions) almost outweigh the innocent new believers seeking to begin a walk with God. ONE DAY a voice will cry out from Heaven. God is NOT pleased. What an unfortunate happenstance it would be for a bible-thumping believer to open their eyes in hell! If YOU have been "hurt" (and MANY OF YOU HAVE) because many of you have trusted me with HORROR stories - don't PRETEND you were not. Some of you write to me - and I appreciate your revealing levels of confidence with me. People need a SAFE place to vent - and NOT hear it again. For so many - I have been that and I am humbled that I have proved I could SHUT MY MOUTH! I betcha no one would wanna "walk in your shoes", huh?
I know that people LIKE it when I publish dialogue that makes them "FEEL GOOD"! Life is about taking the "bitter WITH the sweet". Once you realize that tax money is NOT for a new car and crab legs you can join me in "GROWN FOLK TALK"!! If the best you can show is a new hair-do and price tags from the new clothes you bought - you are still acting like a child. Sooner or later you will "put away child-ish things" and simply "grow up". SOME of the issues we find ourselves in are caused by our own poor choices! Because of "MY JOURNEY" I listen to people talk and just shake my head. If the best prayer you got is to get a new car - I wish I were Oprah Winfrey and say "you get a car and you get a car and you get a car" but the day you discover that those four wheels do NOT define you - you have graduated! The size of the pistons do not matter! Peace of mind is PRICELESS!
Get your boxers and your panties out of a "bunch" and face your life!!
Wanna walk in my shoes? C'mon - crush that pinky-toe and call me and tell me how it felt. Go ahead and try if you wanna~ Make SURE you plan to take the "GOOD" steps and the "BAD" steps too. Don't forget to "call me"!
Certainly this BLOG is NOT an expose' of my LIFE - because there are just SOME THINGS not intended for public consumption, opinion or scrutiny. All I ask is this, if you wanna take a "walk in MY shoes" - which shoe do you want me to give you first - the left one or the right one?
Just don't forget to "Call me"!
That phrase "walk a mile in my shoes" has been watered down and diminished in value. Truth is - EVERYONE has their own journey. These personal journeys are peppered with hills and valleys, mountain top experiences and treacherous roads to navigate. Secret sins and public victories round out SOME of the journey but the essence of this prose is simple: Until you have "walked in my shoes" you CANNOT accurately tell ME how to put one foot in front of the other! No matter how "close" you gain access to the lives of people - there is that "something" that is not meant for social commentary and overall, people KNOW how to HIDE or suppress the best of times - and the worst of times.
It is NOT uncommon to view investigative channels outlining documentaries of people both past and present - and see a "riveting" episode about the "predator next door" or the "unassuming "soccer mom" that had a "secret life. People that have blended into the landscape of of our day and we are STUNNED when the "truth" of their past becomes public. That shock and awe effect will take the room out of the air because "who knew"? I mean, who would have imagined that the non-assuming parent who squeezed in the seat next to you at the PTA meeting was also a stripper by night just to pay her bills! Who knew that the Assistant Principal (... for example) was like a "kid in a candy store" when he or she came to the local elementary school - because he or she had a prior arrest for being a pedophile? These are "extreme" examples of AWE - but news reports evidence stores that are much worse! Somebody in YOUR neighbor, sub-division or place of business is hiding a secret that would BLOW YOUR MIND! Maybe it is YOU!!
Similarly speaking, people may want "what YOU have" without fully knowing what it took for you to "have what you have". All people SEE is what they see - they do not know the "back story". That jealous rage can be a silent demon and those closest to you will say "oh, that's nice" while referring to your VICTORY while in their hearts hating that you took a step forward! If you get a "gut feeling" when a situation arises - are you mature enough to recognize that "God could be trying to tell you something"?
Let's say - you earned that corner office after many years of dedicated service to your company. People may not know how your wife (or husband) may have had to sacrifice to take care of the home while YOU put in unpaid hours. People don't notice the times you may have been unfairly treated and you had to "bite your tongue". Folks may not know your sleepless nights to give quality to a team that degrades EVERYTHING you do. These same people don't understand the POWER of a praying wife (or husband). Instead of talking about your spouse or significant other - consider that they are taking a"blow to the chin" every time they leave your presence. We live in a cruel world!! Keep home a peaceful environment 'cause this is where we need to "refuel". The aura and fragrance of your home should be a "refreshing scent". Now, it is actually okay to have a "difference" of opinion - just be ADULTS" and "reason" things out. Use your home time to recognize how IMPORTANT you "really" are - and as a spouse - make sure you remind him (or her) how much you appreciate their efforts - whether they decide to talk about it or not.
Watch the "shoes you wanna walk in".
How about adults who are innocent victims of molestation or rape. The twisted adult who took their innocence and this little mind has to seek to process it all. I KNOW "men" who have turned into "monsters" to mask something that scarred them as a child. Some (whom I have met) are angry and aggressive during sex - even taking viagra to enhance and intensify the sexual experience while their MIND is fixed on "what happened" that they refuse to talk abpit. Some have become addicted to destructive behaviors because they have diluted their mind to believe that they have "gotten over" their loss of innocence. In fact, they are still children in an adult body - unable to get their lips to say "I was molested or raped as a child" because of the negative "label" that will be attached to them. Unfortunately, SOME people look at counseling and therapy as TABOO. but truth is - healing comes in layers and carrying pain is too heavy a burden. I suggest seeking help and not burying such a sacred sin. Freedom is sweet - but freedom will cost you. Freedom will cost you giving up the OLD YOU - for a NEW YOU. It will cost you to "take off your mask" and begin to look at YOURSELF in the mirror - COMPLETELY NAKED for real this time. Freedom will cost you coming face to face with your issues - giving them to god and LEAVING THEM THERE. Oh yeah, there will be tears and lots and lots and lots of questions but darkness has NO association with light! I urge you to come out of the weight of darkness and embrace the light of who you "really" are. Do it for YOU.
I assure you - no one wants to "take a walk in YOUR shoes" either!! Would they?
Perhaps NONE of these scenarios "rang a bell with you" and I give YOU a standing ovation!! Don't fool yourself - in the still of the night, YOU have that "SOMETHING" you would prefer no one knows about YOU! That nagging question, "what would people think IF they knew knew that >>>>>> (fill in the blank). You put on your "duck lips" and share "selfies" of a well "put together" person BUT - if people only knew what it was like to "walk in YOUR shoes"!!! Perhaps only YOU know what "THAT THING"is but it pulls at your heart string, doesn't it?
Thing is - loads of people feel ALONE INSIDE. That hollow feeling of not "feeling good enough" because the social constructs of this generation would frown on them if anyone "knew" about "THAT THING" that has laid dormant. One of the best things I ever did was to become transparent. Oh no, not everyone is privileged to ALL OF ME - BUT I have avenues of releasing the pressure of the weight of life. FEW people TRULY KNOW ME - and that is a CHOICE. Not EVERYONE could even handle the depth of my tears - but I don't PRETEND certain things did not happen, either. I am so much STRONGER than I have ever been!
Psalms 119:71 is my ever present reminder, "It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I might learn thy statues".
I am a BEAST because of what I have been through! I often internally "THANK" so many people for NOT helping me when I was screaming for help - because had "they" helped me I would have to thank "them". God ALONE gets the Glory and God will not share his Glory with no one. People that I KNEW could help me would NOT - because "they" could NOT fathom I was carrying such burdens! I "learned" how ti disguise my situations because at the end of the day "they" either would NOT help me without "reminding"me that they helped me or because God pinned my back to the wall and all I could do is call out to HIM.
In this season of isolation - I had to learn that God was actually separating me! Oh, yeah - I felt abandoned - but God was PREPARING me for such a time as THIS! I assure you - NO ONE would want to "walk in my shoes" - but then again - my journey was tailor made for ME. Everyone will have their own "cross to bear". I am MUCH more sensitive to human needs now that I had to overcome life when the ODDS were stacked AGAINST ME. #BUTGOD
Let's set the stage for this very personal conversation today. My ex was a NARC! You can think that this is a "buzz word" all you want but when I tell you that life with a [person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder is your closest visit to the "dark side" without smelling the embers of the burning fire of hell - BELIEVE ME! It is a "real" disorder that has had its place riding "under" the radar. It is a "silent killer" and it is as mentally dysfunctional as it is financially, emotionally and physically debilitating. If you know one - you understand - if you ARE one - seek help! Th daily unpredictable nature of this beat is troubling enough - the WORST of it is that most of the NARCs activities are done "without a witness". A "covert" animal that will ROAR in private and SMILE in public! Calculating demon with the ability to FAKE LOVE in order to seduce their prey! From "Love Bombing" - to "Gaslighting" - to "Morphing" - to "Mirroring" to "going GHOST" .... you better KNOW your opponent cause YOUR OPPONENT KNOWS YOU! A NARC will kill you and go to McDonald's - eat a happy meal and tell the police "I have no idea what happened". A NARC will confuse you and make you their SLAVE. CONTROL is very, very important to the NARC. A NARC is like a "chameleon" with the ability to "change their colors" to blend in with the landscape. The family of a NARC can "sometimes" cover up for their behavior leaving YOU helpless with NO ONE believing what is happening behind closed doors! This is a very "destructive" personality. My NARC started going to "Anger Management Classes". Is that not an oxy-moron? Someone to "teach a NARC" how to "manage their anger". What a NARC "really" needs is the help from the medical health profession! Oh but wait - the NARC feels "superior" and absent of a conscious. Their selfish nature and heightened sense of entitlement keeps them from even believing "they" have a problem. If there are ten people in a room that agree that the sky is blue - the NARC will argue that it is YELLOW and think the other nine are fools! The lens from which the NARC looks through is cloudy but they are NEVER wrong!! Remember that! I was hunted, I was seduced and I was part of his "supply" and did not know what I was getting into until I was ALL THE WAY IN. Scared to come home and even more frightened to leave!! NO ONE could BELIEVE me when I cried - most said "he does not LOOK like that to me"! Heck, salt looks like sugar too! A NARC is MASTERFUL at mind-control!! Being in the clutches of a NARC is dangerous! If you "see" subtle signs that a loved one is living with a NARC - develop a strategy - if the NARC allows your family member to speak to you - plan a way of escape! Don't tilt your head like this is foreign to you! Talk to someone that has "survived" a NARC attack. Better yet, check the family of someone whose loved one DIED at the hands of an insensitive, egotistical NARC! After you do your own investigations regarding the validity of these words, "Call me". Heck, GOOGLE the traits of a NARC. "Call me" - I'm waiting~~YOU may be "Sleeping With The Enemy" and not even realize it... YET!! <"deep sign - while sipping my tea>
Still thinking about "walking in my shoes"? You aint' EVEN heard NOTHING yet!!
Back to point. Our personal - very non-assuming lives are full of "secrets". Truth is - if I were to become FULLY TRANSPARENT - most would NEVER imagine I had to recover from some of the "stuff" I had to. I am a vehement advocate for domestic abuse - because that IS a part of my past BUT - it is a also a CRITICAL tool to help others. Most of the people that have known me for YEARS AND YEARS are "still" in shock to know that I SUFFERED at the hands of someone I loved. The journey to recovery was PAINFUL beyond measure but I can NOW "feel" people who are IN, OUT or GOING THROUGH their own hell - at the hands of someone they love and became vulnerable enough to trust. I understand the confusion, I understand "feeling trapped", I fully "understand" the physical abuse. I understand the financial depletion and the SHAME. I successfully "held it in" until people started asking ne "how is it that you are so strong"? Life changed ME - I changed because I HAD to. I had options. I could carry the weight of this injustice OR I could take it to the Cross tp My Father. Listen here.... I am NOT saying this journey was easy but it is possible to RECOVER. There are those "trigger" moments and I "replay" a particular episode in my mind BUT I just don't "LIVE THERE" anymore. Grant it - standing in front of the coffin of my former abuser CHANGED the lens of my personal narrative but having to raise a child through this trauma was a daunting task! One episode that played a "flash back" was the day my former abuser called the POLICE ON ME becaise he wanted to hurt ME through seeking a false parental role with our daughter. Don't get me wrong - I was NEVER one to "KEEP" him from our daughter - I just did not relish the GAMES! In keeping with my "survival mode" - my former abuser stood in a courtroom and told the judge that I (Deborah) had no "sympathy" for his 4th stage cancer diagnosis. Later whispering to me - in the same court room "I can USE my cancer diagnosis AGAINST you whenever I I want to". (.... and he did!) UUUUUGH! Back to the police officers at my home - the blinding blue lights and police in full effect! First I was embarrassed - shocked and scared - especially when the handcuffs were presented to me as an option! Now wait a minute! I RAN to a different state to escape this once evil man and I am the problem. My mind cold not comprehend. You mean to tell me - the abuser has RIGHTS under the law? Let me be first to tell you - the abuser sure does!!! So how did the police situation end? WELL.... each and every time my abuser sought a "higher power" (the court system) - I put my little feet on the floor and called on "MY HIGHER POWER". In this particular scenario, the police called back to "someone on the phone" - to make sure my abuser was aware that "they" had my daughter and was to deliver her to HIM - just to find out that my abuser relapsed and was in critical condition in the hospital!! Fast-forward - the PATTERN began to unfold - EVERY time - Each and EVERY time my abuser called authorities after ME - my God would attack HIM as though to say "touch NOT my anointed"!! Over time - my former abuser just STOPPED TRYING to emotionally or physically harm us because even HE saw the pattern that he would literally FALL when opposing the Power of God within ME. I assure you, I do not take glee in his transition to eternity - but I sure am GLAD to be free form the DRAMA! I am fortunate - because I personally know women AND men who are six-feet under at the hands of their abuser. I am now a party of ONE - hoping to help others because "I fully understand" this dark underground - I once lived there myself. It is as real as the breath you breathe. People just don't "talk" about it From the penthouse to the projects, I communicate with people too scared to stay but too scared to leave as well. Wealthy people who want to put a gun in their own mouth to kill THEMSELVES to less fortunate women and men living on the streets feeling that a soup kitchen is better than going back home. Yes, Pastors, Bishops and other significant titled clergy are SUFFERING but are willing to ENDURE for the sake of "what people may say". Some are sitting on the pew right next to YOU and they wear make-up to conceal their black eye!! I 'feel" you! I met a well known politician whose husband would BEAT her - she would spend weeks in the shelter - he would call for her to come home and buy her diamonds! She would go home and the cycle would happen again and again BUT "SHE" was willing to take a 'licking" to have the lifestyle she desired. She TOLD me that partial freedom was OK. Thing is - you CANNOT help a person that finds satisfaction in a dysfunctional relationship. Don't try to reason with "them" - THEY will know when "they" have had enough - when "they" do something about it. Sad - but it is true!!
Do you still wanna take a "walk in my shoes"? Come on - I wear size 6-1/2 or size 7 - wanna squeeze in these pumps? I will give you a pair - as long as you "call me" and tell me how you feel! I GUARANTEE you will not get very far if you ONLY knew what it has taken for ME to walk this walk!!
Because of my experiences as a "single mom" - I tend to lack sympathy for people struggling because if I could get through it - I felt ANYBODY could. Try going to the Department of Health to get your medical services. The questions they had to ask me made my jaw drop!! I understood the "line of questioning" and the questions were fashioned out of the experiences of prior patients BUT I could not fathom what I had to go through in order to get a needle for my daughter to go to school! I "tip my hat" off to the staff. On second thought - maybe someone should "take a walk in THEIR shoes"! Over a period of time - I got to recognize some of hte patients in the waiting room with me. After they told me some of THEIR stories - suddenly my plight was not nearly as bad as I imagined! It was THEN that I k
I knewI had a story to tell. How selfish of me! There is so much for me to teach other women and men in the same (or worse) predicament! From Orders of Protection to Family Court. From poverty to actually having a "little something" extra at the end of the month. I soon LEARNED the restaurants where "kids eat free" so we had an occasional "nigh out". I LEARNED hot to S-T-R-E-T-C-H a dollar. My daughter told me I could "squeak" cause I was so cheap! I LEARNED how to cook so well that my daughter would rather eat at home than to go out! :-) (By the way, my daughter graduated form the Culinary Arts Program as a Pastry Chef)!! I LEARNED how to make great meals that would last for several days! Take a chicken or a turkey for instance. Day 1: baked turkey (Thanksgiving style); Day 2: Chicken/Turkey sandwiches; Day 3: Chicken/Turkey salad on a bed of lettuce; Day 4: Chicken/Turkey soup! Left-overs (because it was only two of us - in the freezer) - possibly for next week - over pasta and sauteed spinach with alfredo sauce! YUM!! How about this - purchase pizza crust and put it on the grill! Get the char-marks on one side and then the fun begins! Build your own pizza! Fun time together with my daughter making MEMORIES and it tastes fantastic! The pizza was immediately consumed BUT the MEMORIES last forever!! I could not afford bread crumbs BUT I learned how to crush potato chips - dip chicken in a egg wash and the crushed potatoes and in the oven it goes! We had a condiment drawer in the fridge from the few times we could afford to eat out - and she was ALLOWED pick her sauce. I tried to take my FOCUS off of what we did NOT have - while I DID FOCUS on what we DID have. We had each other. We had God. I did not want her to HATE men because of what she saw HIM do to me. In fact - over time - I taught her to pray for him. "Father forgive HIM - for he knows not what he is doing!) There is a penalty for touching God's anointed! I was NOT "better" than him - I walked with GOD, though! .. and I "still" do!!
My credit score was 270 at that time but I learned what to do WITHOUT and wrote letters to the credit reporting agencies and used discipline (paying for things with CASH ONLY) to raise my credit score to over 800! I LEARNED so much during those LEAN YEARS! A vacation was NOT gonna happen but I became inventive and would book a hotel" and have a "stay at home vacation"..... :-) Oh, those were some days that tried my very soul!!!!! I visibly WATCHED God come through for me in ways many could not even IMAGINE!!! Looking back, I do not even know how we got "though" were it not for the MIGHTY Hand of God. I purchased my first home - then graduated to our second home - and we are now living in our third home. Miracle after miracle! The mighty hand of God was there on me and I am forever grateful for the journey! The best thing of all is KNOWING that the BEST IS (still) YET TO COME!
Hey, you "still" wanna "walk in my shoes"? Here you go. Now, "Call me"!
I steadfastly tell you - in closing - some of my WORST CHALLENGES have been IN CHURCH! There is a wicked "thread" that allows people to throw their money on the altar and not throwing their sins! The diluted church as we know it - is fully a subject for another time. I could recount a smorgasbord of examples I PERSONALLY experienced but this prose is not identified for that. Just TRUST ME - if you wanna start to question God, question church folk - from the pulpit to the door - to to CHURCH!! It is NOT beyond my lens of understanding why there has been an EXODUS from Christianity and people going to church. The people who MOCK God (through their foul actions) almost outweigh the innocent new believers seeking to begin a walk with God. ONE DAY a voice will cry out from Heaven. God is NOT pleased. What an unfortunate happenstance it would be for a bible-thumping believer to open their eyes in hell! If YOU have been "hurt" (and MANY OF YOU HAVE) because many of you have trusted me with HORROR stories - don't PRETEND you were not. Some of you write to me - and I appreciate your revealing levels of confidence with me. People need a SAFE place to vent - and NOT hear it again. For so many - I have been that and I am humbled that I have proved I could SHUT MY MOUTH! I betcha no one would wanna "walk in your shoes", huh?
I know that people LIKE it when I publish dialogue that makes them "FEEL GOOD"! Life is about taking the "bitter WITH the sweet". Once you realize that tax money is NOT for a new car and crab legs you can join me in "GROWN FOLK TALK"!! If the best you can show is a new hair-do and price tags from the new clothes you bought - you are still acting like a child. Sooner or later you will "put away child-ish things" and simply "grow up". SOME of the issues we find ourselves in are caused by our own poor choices! Because of "MY JOURNEY" I listen to people talk and just shake my head. If the best prayer you got is to get a new car - I wish I were Oprah Winfrey and say "you get a car and you get a car and you get a car" but the day you discover that those four wheels do NOT define you - you have graduated! The size of the pistons do not matter! Peace of mind is PRICELESS!
Get your boxers and your panties out of a "bunch" and face your life!!
Wanna walk in my shoes? C'mon - crush that pinky-toe and call me and tell me how it felt. Go ahead and try if you wanna~ Make SURE you plan to take the "GOOD" steps and the "BAD" steps too. Don't forget to "call me"!
Certainly this BLOG is NOT an expose' of my LIFE - because there are just SOME THINGS not intended for public consumption, opinion or scrutiny. All I ask is this, if you wanna take a "walk in MY shoes" - which shoe do you want me to give you first - the left one or the right one?
Just don't forget to "Call me"!
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