I AM CHANGING.....
Those that have been following my BLOG, posts, comments, inbox and emails probably have seen a SHIFT in my mindset of presentation. Having recently attended the funeral of my daughter's father CHANGED ME in ways I did not expect.
I find that I do not "rehearse" the pains of my past with the same intensity. OH YES.... I had a very bitter interlude with him - one that I am not so proud of BUT I speak of the domestic abuse with a different sense of urgency.
What is REALLY valuable in life?
While at one point, I wondered if I would leave earth by way of the casket at his hands but looking at him lying there was a chance to reach way down deep inside myself and ask God questions. Many years ago, I asked God to teach me how to forgive him for what he did to me ---- over time - over a long time ---- I learned how to forgive him and my daughter and I learned how to pray for his salvation.
Moving forward, since returning from the funeral and looking around at my life, my good days - really do - outweigh my bad days - so I won't complain. My investment in my relationship with God has been enhanced. I learned how to get on my knees and ask God for NOTHING - just in worship and praise for my life. Praising God that with all that I went through, I did not lose my mind. (oh, yes.... I have had several anxiety attacks).... pain is still ain and although I knew the Lord, I did not understand what door I had left open to the enemy that I would be picked out to be picked on. Ah, yes... but when reading the book of Job - Job had integrity and yet God gave the enemy PERMISSION - BUT at the end, look at how God blessed Job! Surely my plight does not compare to that of Job or the bible characters and real life events outlined in the Word but like I said - pain is pain. A little pain in a small place can feel as devastating as a big pain. I refrain from telling people to "get over it" because recovery of any kind is a process. The process for some is immediate - while for others it could take days, weeks or even years.
I like "pretty things". I like "pretty shoes" :-). I like a clean house. I like "dressing up". But when the day is over - if my heart is not right with God and I am parading around as though it was ME that made ME - I have to take a seat.
Things have merit but they are not designed to take the place of a relationship with God. Please don't make the mistake of "running to God" ONLY when times are bad. God is a good God. God is waiting to hear from you. God is listening.
Don't make STUFF your priority.
I find that I do not "rehearse" the pains of my past with the same intensity. OH YES.... I had a very bitter interlude with him - one that I am not so proud of BUT I speak of the domestic abuse with a different sense of urgency.
What is REALLY valuable in life?
While at one point, I wondered if I would leave earth by way of the casket at his hands but looking at him lying there was a chance to reach way down deep inside myself and ask God questions. Many years ago, I asked God to teach me how to forgive him for what he did to me ---- over time - over a long time ---- I learned how to forgive him and my daughter and I learned how to pray for his salvation.
Moving forward, since returning from the funeral and looking around at my life, my good days - really do - outweigh my bad days - so I won't complain. My investment in my relationship with God has been enhanced. I learned how to get on my knees and ask God for NOTHING - just in worship and praise for my life. Praising God that with all that I went through, I did not lose my mind. (oh, yes.... I have had several anxiety attacks).... pain is still ain and although I knew the Lord, I did not understand what door I had left open to the enemy that I would be picked out to be picked on. Ah, yes... but when reading the book of Job - Job had integrity and yet God gave the enemy PERMISSION - BUT at the end, look at how God blessed Job! Surely my plight does not compare to that of Job or the bible characters and real life events outlined in the Word but like I said - pain is pain. A little pain in a small place can feel as devastating as a big pain. I refrain from telling people to "get over it" because recovery of any kind is a process. The process for some is immediate - while for others it could take days, weeks or even years.
I like "pretty things". I like "pretty shoes" :-). I like a clean house. I like "dressing up". But when the day is over - if my heart is not right with God and I am parading around as though it was ME that made ME - I have to take a seat.
Things have merit but they are not designed to take the place of a relationship with God. Please don't make the mistake of "running to God" ONLY when times are bad. God is a good God. God is waiting to hear from you. God is listening.
Don't make STUFF your priority.
Comments
Post a Comment