Get In Where You Fit In
It is NOT uncommon to hear people say "GET OVER IT" or even worse "SUCK IT UP"! Does not matter what that "IT" may be to YOU - as though you are wallowing in a situation because you "want to" - as though there is some "morbid joy" in being in an unfair or painful situation. Seems the worst people giving advice are people who have not been through or have gone through what "they" are seeking to give YOU advice for. I mean, unless you are a single-mother (or once were a single-mom) - you cannot authentically tell me that you "know what it feels like". C'mon. Unless you have been a victim of domestic violence - PLEEEEZE, do not tell me "what you would do if you were me"!! Let's go even further. Unless you have been in a relationship with someone suffering with a serious case of a mental disorder, I'd likely turn a deaf ear to you. Unless you have been "cheated" on don't tell me how fast I should "forgive him (or her). Yep, I CAN forgive - but that "forget about it" thing - that is a whole different story!! Even worse, if I lose my close family member - my moral constitution may not be as stable as YOU - gimme a minute to process this loss before you batter me for "missing them". Everyone has a "different emotional body clock" - I know me and the best someone on the "outside looking in" can do is pray for me - help me get in touch with "professional help", lead me to the cross or simply "SHUT UP". If the advice is NOT constructive - it is simply EVIL to form a committee to "talk about me".
We tend to "massage" vain attempts at understanding one another behind religion, self-help books, friends, colleagues, counseling, medication and the like. Line ME up with someone who has "been in my shoes" or has "been through" what I am seeking to understand - and I can listen. I mean, put a carpenter in the room with someone "pretending" to be know how to hang "dry wall" - won't be long before the "real" carpenter will be able to distinguish who is "real" and who is "fake". There is entirely nothing wrong with outside stimulation and advice - BUT - be careful of who you go to to help soothe your particular place in life if they have not inhaled the isolation and pain you may be feeling right now. People can easily "take advantage" of your very vulnerable state. It took for me to birth "Deborah's Freedom" for me to realize that my own life journey had merit. I discovered how many people I was "kin" to and in turn - I found out how desperate people are to real, extreme and "targeted" merit.....It did not take long to realize that people want some to "LISTEN". Make NO mistake about it "HEARING" someone is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from the art of "LISTENING"! To listen means not to JUDGE. To LISTEN means to give one's undivided attention. To LISTEN means to offer sympathy and CONFIDENTIALITY!! To LISTEN means to not try to fix the problem for them - but to have the maturity enough to parallel your own situation to theirs (.. if possible) and at best "place YOURSELF in their shoes" for a minute. While LISTENING - imagine if YOU were in their situation and how YOU would feel. While social media offers an outlet for transparency - social media is NOT the place to "hang your dirty laundry". Actually picking up a phone and holding intelligent conversation is a diminishing act when you can hit the keyboard and tell the entire WORLD about what is going on in your life. Go ahead and walk into your doctor's office and say "How are you doing?" - chances are someone will say "FINE". Maybe you walk past a like of cubicles at work and ask a co-worker, "how are you doing today".... are you waiting for an authentic response or have we "massaged" real concern for one another behind empty pleasantries. Have YOU ever wanted to just "talk" to someone yourself.... I mean "for real" - empty your heart - knowing you could "TRUST" them and perhaps even pray for you. There are limited people that "take the time" to even CARE anymore. There is that "chase" always on their mind. Bigger church, bigger choir, bigger sanctuary, bigger car, bigger house, bigger house, competition, competition, competition has become the moral code - and the AUTHENTIC reality remains - we have a lot of "stuff" but little "substance". We are a community of so much "stuff" many have a shed in back of the house, a basement or attack that is "full of stuff" and "SAD" on the inside. The "things" have become their "drug of choice". Similarly is hte case with FOOD. It is easy to anesthetize an emotional rant with a giant bowl of butter pecan ice cream!! Yes, the gallon is gone - our hips spread and the problem is STILL there. (I've been there!) On the other extreme is "extreme sports" or activities that seek to remove us from our REALITY. Sooner or later - you have to "face YOUR reality".
I "LEARNED" the value of seeking to CARE because I once needed someone to care - and could not find anyone to talk to. Oh, yeah - I am a "professional loner" (.... and I am proud of it). I KNOW a lot of people - but "hanging out" with people is just not my style anymore. Once I "realized" how FAKE PEOPLE CAN BE AT CHURCH - I had to "readjust" what I said - and consequently, what I did NOT say. People are quick to JUDGE and some even take some "morbid joy" or LIKE IT WHEN YOU ARE SUFFERING. Your advancing and getting on your feet is an indictment against their own lazy nature so just as long as you "stay on "their" level" - these friends, family members, "pew" friends at church, co-workers - etc. are happy. This makes you suppress your deepest and darkest secrets and "learn to live" with your problems. These same "problems" can EAT YOU UP ON THE INSIDE"!!
Case and point. I fell in love with a NARC (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I went through the stages of "LOVE BOMBING" (where someone uses EXTREME "CHARM", falls in LOVE quickly, showers you with affection, enters into a serious "relationship" through SEX (.... even using VIAGRA - to heighten the sexual experience), "likes", "comments", unusual levels of "affection and attention" - but it is ALL FALSE). In this "LOVE BOMBING" stage, they are seeking to find out how many BOUNDARIES they can cross - and this will also tell them how much abuse you are willing to tolerate. It is all about control and manipulation. You will get "used" to this "false" presentation - THEN they will TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU! There you are hanging in the balance wondering what YOU did wrong. YOU did not do anything wrong - you were "conditioned and "groomed"! I was "hunted" and "conquered" and I "thought" I had a "divine gift" from God. (This is all a part of the "conditioning" and "grooming" process of a NARC). The GASLIGHTING soon happened (You begin to "apologize" without knowing what YOU did wrong' they give YOU affection and then abruptly take it away as a sense of intentional punishment; when YOU try to explain how YOU feel they get "distant"; they make YOU feel "small or ashamed"; they insist "it didn't happen that way" which makes YOU confused and start to "question YOURSELF"/ and YOU start to "edit" everything YOU say or even start to walk on "egg-shells" almost afraid to "breath" around them. Make NO mistake about it a NARC IS VERY CALCULATING AND IS VERY WELL AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Control is their thing!! Problem is - YOU get so used to being treated unfairly, YOU get history with them and finally YOU get so "scared" YOU settle into this dysfunction - hoping that they will stop or just "go away". That's right - YOU are now a VICTIM. A victim can be from any economic sector, intelligent, educated and NOT even be aware that the person they are waking up to every morning is suffering - yes, they are mentally ill. A "NARC" will KILL you - go to McDonalds and eat a Big Mac and take a nap. There is a "GHOST" phase you will experience where you will be subjected to "absence" - and YOU had better not ask them where they were. YOU are part of their "SUPPLY" and NO ONE will ever believe YOU because their outer appearance is FLAWLESS. They have NO witnesses to the torture YOU go through and they will separate you form your FAMILY AND FRIENDS and your "fear of them" keeps you isolated and a SLAVE TO THE ABUSE!! (ask me how I know....).
How do I know - I've "BEEN THROUGH IT"! Through "Deborah's Freedom", I have learned of tales that far exceed the pain I suffered. You see, I am still here to talk about it - I converse with "MOTHERS" whose children have died at the hands of domestic violence fueled by someone with HIDDEN issues in their lives which were not dealt with as a child - or as an adult for that matter. The "BREAKING NEWS" explode with news of casualties by way of domestic abuse but instances of domestic violence that result in death seem to be nestled between sports and weather. In short, it appears that there is no real "shock value" and "awe" because it happens so much in this society. Who knows - maybe the punishment of domestic abuse does NOT fit the crime - who knows, were there any signs? The BIGGEST PROBLEM is - NOTHING brings back the loved one - closure is sometimes left between the surviving family members and God. Greater, more experienced and more educated minds have discussed the danger of being with a NARC - but I assure you - there is NOTHING that can "prepare" anyone for living "through" being a partner to someone suffering - particularly if "they" re not willing to admit there is anything wrong.. Society says "put your best foot forward" so we "filter our photos" so people only SEE our best side - even though there could easily be great pain behind that "Pepsodent" smile!! Long and short to this sage - I "LEARNED" HOW TO LIVE A LIE! I sure did. Besides, no one believed that the man I was in love with WOULD EVER BEAT YOU UP, DEBORAH"! Ha. The greatest weapon of a NARC is their EGO and public persona. The hate, the chaos, the pain, the isolation, the financial "death" is all done behind closed doors! The NARC will make their victim look like the "wrong" person. Yeah, the NARC can have a corner office on the 12th floor of a high-rise building to the PASTOR of your church. (.. I said it). We associate power and prestige with a "free pass". Nothing could be worse! Nothing could be more incorrect. If you don't believe me - ask their "significant other"!! I used to think that the term "NARC" was a "bad word" and NAH, this "illness" could not be as bad as people say it is - but it is. If someone breaks their arm (for instance) they go to a doctor to get the bone reset and maybe get a cast and proceed with the healing process. Mental illness is "flying under the radar" and in the personality disorder of a NARC - not a lot of people are listening - except those who are going through, lived through it or going through it. It is a "living hell" beyond ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.
Since "NEW" people join or view "Deborah's Freedom" - let me end my own saga with this. I have ALWAYS BEEN IN CHURCH. From the usher board to the choir. From the altar worker to the greeter. NO ONE KNEW I WAS A WALKING DEAD PERSON. My NARC HATED my love of God, the Pastor and leadership of the church - because he imagined I loved THEM more than HIM. (... fractured ego on his part). It is customary for a NARC to be insecure. I did NOT know the depth of HIS pain until it was too late and I was too scared to leave. LONGEST STORY SHORT - he used to choke me - as the biggest turn of events - he got 4th stage terminal cancer - in his THROAT. Call it kismet, karma or fate - his throat used to constrict the sme way mind did when he choked me. I moved 12 hours away to seek refuge for myself and my daughter but his rants did not stop with distance because "I" was emotionally damaged. His very voice could put me in an emotional frenzy. Yeah, I had escaped - or did I? Situation after situation after situation later...... I stood in front of his casket about a year ago. I do not relish in his death - but I am relieved that I do not have to endure the drama. "Finding myself again" has been a daunting task but God has done a GREAT WORK IN ME. The casket he sought to put ME in .... all I can say is "what the enemy meant for evil - God meant for my good".... "no weapon formed against me (... and the weapon was formed)... it just did not prosper! Oh, Glory!
Going through it - or decompressing form a bad relationship hurts worse than being in one. The rejection phase and the "did that "really" happen" syndrome is REAL! (PTSD is "very common)..... I mean emotionally, physically, mentally and financially depleted and you have a child that looks just like "HIM". Oh, to be sure a NARC has no gender association because there are a lot of WOMEN with dysfunctional memories that are played out "silently". Oh, yeah - I personally KNOW women who BEAT their partners on a regular basis! Men just process the "silent scream" differently. Men will show up for life and the most discerning eye will NEVER know they had "hot grits" thrown at them before they came to work!!
Maybe you are in the "GOING THROUGH IT" stage of life. Maybe you are watching someone you love suffer from an incurable disease - mental or physical in nature. You talked to God and yet you still see them "slipping away". Perhaps you have been served divorce papers after you found out that your partner "lied and cheated" AGAIN. This is not the "picture perfect" life you had dreamed of is it? Are you "going through" your mind right now and crying inside because the people around you "HAVE NO IDEA" what is "truly" going on inside of you? You are raging inside and you are SAVED. The PROBLEM with having been "in church" all of my life - is the absence of being "street smart" or recognizing the stages that a NARC was capable of doing to an innocent VICTIM. Churches spend a lot of time talking about the FIVE-FOLD MINISTRY but little on "COMMON SENSE" and "ACCOUNTABILITY". It is EASY to feel inadequate as a "single person" in church because the marriage conferences "FAR" outweigh the substance needed in being a single person in a marriage dominated atmosphere!! How could GOD let you go through this? Here is one thing I learned on my journey - GOD IS NOT LETTING YOU DOWN - GOD IS LETTING YOU LEARN. Which brings me to rearranging my "cry out to God". I now ask God - "What are you TEACHING ME"? (He taught me to fluidly talk to YOU right now)! I personally "LEARNED" (the hard way" that there IS a thing called "love at first sight" - but there is no need to "change my name" until a serious "check-list" is satisfied. One of my GREATEST "take-aways" is making sure YOU learn the family tree from which this "person" comes from. If "nuts" fall from that tree - do you have one of those "nuts" seeking to be in bed with you? The family that your "intended" came from is as vital as ANYTHING ELSE you can imagine "before" saying "I DO". The "nuts" do not fall far from the tree!! If there was a history of mental illness, a history of being a work-a-holic, a history of domestic violence, etc. - this is "their" normal and to exercise what "they" grew up with on YOU is "normal" for them. If there is NO drama - they will create drama because this is what is NORMAL to them. All in all - the stakes are different NOW. I mean were "they" born with their "plumbing" or did they "BUY IT"?. Inquiring minds need to know! Does he or she still have the "stench" of their ex on them? Are they still "emotionally bleeding"?
Maybe you are GETTING THROUGH IT. Listen here. Let no one tell you how long it takes for you to grieve. The reality is knowing that you cannot "unpack your emotional bags" and grieve forever. Losing someone is HORRIFIC. Loss of someone close to you is a pain that comes from a place inside you may not have even known existed. I lost (in this order) - my younger brother, my dad, my older brother AND my mom two days later). I was not able to process these losses before I had to stand in front of the coffin of my daughter's father (... yes, my former abuser). I finally had to go to counselling because this extraordinary grief was making me uncertain if I wanted to live myself! At one point the ONLY thing that kept me going was the innocent eyes of my daughter because I knew she needed me. I learned about intimacy with God. God was FARRRRRRR from the favorite pew in church! LIFE WILL HUMBLE YOU!! I learned how to tap the floor with my little feet and walk these floors talking to The Almighty One!!! FOR REAL!! I researched scriptures and reminded God of his promises!! What about when you start to "lose friends"? "Getting through" losing friends is a daunting task UNTIL you realize that NOT EVERYONE IS PART OF "YOUR" JOURNEY or YOUR DESTINY. Once you decide that NO ONE is worth going to hell for - some decisions are just easier to make!! I am a firm believer that you cannot "take" everyone on the journey towards YOUR destiny. Some people will just be "extra weight" and delay your forward movement. Oh, yeah. We all want "friends" and people to talk to - BUT - the danger is "too many voices". I was having trouble
"hearing or listing to the :voice of God" because I was nursing the fractured ego of people who wanted to align with me FAVOR on my life. People KNOW when they are being blessed by association and will "suck the life out of you" - thereby preventing YOU form being FOCUSED. #DISTRACTIONS There is a time you must "reassess" the people in your life. That need to block and delete feature comes in handy during these times of purging. (.... and break that "REWIND button while you are at it)..... You are NOT looking back anymore - 'cause that is not where you LIVE anymore!!!!! Look, it is not a "beef" with anybody. It takes two people to beef and if I don't care anymore - you are just at me. Life is short. Life is "real" short. This ain't no "dress rehearsal. No "Take 2" - let's film that scene of your life again kinda thing. You will not be able to go to the "CUSTOMER SERVICE WINDOW" of life and get a "do-over", return or lay-away because the life you had did not turn out like you wanted it to. Sometimes life is all about math - addition, multiplying AND subtraction! Don't be "UGLY" - just bow out gracefully. Are you going through your "RED SEA" experience - BUT - the water has not parted yet? Been there - done that! There is no "formula" for HOW you are gonna come out of your situation - but you can rest assured that YOU WILL COME OUT!!
These scenarios are only a "tip of the iceberg" because EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT. EVERYONE HAS A "DIFFERENT" cross to bear. Before you start "wishing" or "covet" the life of someone else - just remind yourself - you have NO IDEA how heavy their cross is to carry. Don't let what they SHOW YOU or what you SEE fool you. You want a"double dose of the anointing on MY life" - take it ALL - INCLUDING THE PAIN. You have no idea what it takes to be mean. You can take my DROWN - but it will not fit YOU!
No matter where you are in the scheme of life - just know YOU WILL MAKE IT! Carefully consider that suicide is not EVEN an answer. I strongly urge you to seek help before you even put "taking your own life" as an option. Truth is - EVERYBODY IS HURTING - WAS HURTING or is PROCESSING A PAST INJUSTICE. There are professional venues to explore and ALWAYS remember that everything works better if it is "unplugged" for a minute. "Unplug" yourself form what is bothering you - fall back - the same situation will not seem so bad if you separate it from YOURSELF for a minute by talking to someone you TRUST! Professionals are postured and EXPERIENCED to help. Just don't "turn your own lights off" because the road seems painful to travel. It is just not WORTH it! The answer to your problem could be waiting for you to arrive - in a place called TOMORROW. God is already there.
Take heart - your present situation is NOT your permanent destination!!
Encourage someone today - better yet - encourage YOURSELF!
We tend to "massage" vain attempts at understanding one another behind religion, self-help books, friends, colleagues, counseling, medication and the like. Line ME up with someone who has "been in my shoes" or has "been through" what I am seeking to understand - and I can listen. I mean, put a carpenter in the room with someone "pretending" to be know how to hang "dry wall" - won't be long before the "real" carpenter will be able to distinguish who is "real" and who is "fake". There is entirely nothing wrong with outside stimulation and advice - BUT - be careful of who you go to to help soothe your particular place in life if they have not inhaled the isolation and pain you may be feeling right now. People can easily "take advantage" of your very vulnerable state. It took for me to birth "Deborah's Freedom" for me to realize that my own life journey had merit. I discovered how many people I was "kin" to and in turn - I found out how desperate people are to real, extreme and "targeted" merit.....It did not take long to realize that people want some to "LISTEN". Make NO mistake about it "HEARING" someone is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from the art of "LISTENING"! To listen means not to JUDGE. To LISTEN means to give one's undivided attention. To LISTEN means to offer sympathy and CONFIDENTIALITY!! To LISTEN means to not try to fix the problem for them - but to have the maturity enough to parallel your own situation to theirs (.. if possible) and at best "place YOURSELF in their shoes" for a minute. While LISTENING - imagine if YOU were in their situation and how YOU would feel. While social media offers an outlet for transparency - social media is NOT the place to "hang your dirty laundry". Actually picking up a phone and holding intelligent conversation is a diminishing act when you can hit the keyboard and tell the entire WORLD about what is going on in your life. Go ahead and walk into your doctor's office and say "How are you doing?" - chances are someone will say "FINE". Maybe you walk past a like of cubicles at work and ask a co-worker, "how are you doing today".... are you waiting for an authentic response or have we "massaged" real concern for one another behind empty pleasantries. Have YOU ever wanted to just "talk" to someone yourself.... I mean "for real" - empty your heart - knowing you could "TRUST" them and perhaps even pray for you. There are limited people that "take the time" to even CARE anymore. There is that "chase" always on their mind. Bigger church, bigger choir, bigger sanctuary, bigger car, bigger house, bigger house, competition, competition, competition has become the moral code - and the AUTHENTIC reality remains - we have a lot of "stuff" but little "substance". We are a community of so much "stuff" many have a shed in back of the house, a basement or attack that is "full of stuff" and "SAD" on the inside. The "things" have become their "drug of choice". Similarly is hte case with FOOD. It is easy to anesthetize an emotional rant with a giant bowl of butter pecan ice cream!! Yes, the gallon is gone - our hips spread and the problem is STILL there. (I've been there!) On the other extreme is "extreme sports" or activities that seek to remove us from our REALITY. Sooner or later - you have to "face YOUR reality".
I "LEARNED" the value of seeking to CARE because I once needed someone to care - and could not find anyone to talk to. Oh, yeah - I am a "professional loner" (.... and I am proud of it). I KNOW a lot of people - but "hanging out" with people is just not my style anymore. Once I "realized" how FAKE PEOPLE CAN BE AT CHURCH - I had to "readjust" what I said - and consequently, what I did NOT say. People are quick to JUDGE and some even take some "morbid joy" or LIKE IT WHEN YOU ARE SUFFERING. Your advancing and getting on your feet is an indictment against their own lazy nature so just as long as you "stay on "their" level" - these friends, family members, "pew" friends at church, co-workers - etc. are happy. This makes you suppress your deepest and darkest secrets and "learn to live" with your problems. These same "problems" can EAT YOU UP ON THE INSIDE"!!
Case and point. I fell in love with a NARC (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I went through the stages of "LOVE BOMBING" (where someone uses EXTREME "CHARM", falls in LOVE quickly, showers you with affection, enters into a serious "relationship" through SEX (.... even using VIAGRA - to heighten the sexual experience), "likes", "comments", unusual levels of "affection and attention" - but it is ALL FALSE). In this "LOVE BOMBING" stage, they are seeking to find out how many BOUNDARIES they can cross - and this will also tell them how much abuse you are willing to tolerate. It is all about control and manipulation. You will get "used" to this "false" presentation - THEN they will TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU! There you are hanging in the balance wondering what YOU did wrong. YOU did not do anything wrong - you were "conditioned and "groomed"! I was "hunted" and "conquered" and I "thought" I had a "divine gift" from God. (This is all a part of the "conditioning" and "grooming" process of a NARC). The GASLIGHTING soon happened (You begin to "apologize" without knowing what YOU did wrong' they give YOU affection and then abruptly take it away as a sense of intentional punishment; when YOU try to explain how YOU feel they get "distant"; they make YOU feel "small or ashamed"; they insist "it didn't happen that way" which makes YOU confused and start to "question YOURSELF"/ and YOU start to "edit" everything YOU say or even start to walk on "egg-shells" almost afraid to "breath" around them. Make NO mistake about it a NARC IS VERY CALCULATING AND IS VERY WELL AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Control is their thing!! Problem is - YOU get so used to being treated unfairly, YOU get history with them and finally YOU get so "scared" YOU settle into this dysfunction - hoping that they will stop or just "go away". That's right - YOU are now a VICTIM. A victim can be from any economic sector, intelligent, educated and NOT even be aware that the person they are waking up to every morning is suffering - yes, they are mentally ill. A "NARC" will KILL you - go to McDonalds and eat a Big Mac and take a nap. There is a "GHOST" phase you will experience where you will be subjected to "absence" - and YOU had better not ask them where they were. YOU are part of their "SUPPLY" and NO ONE will ever believe YOU because their outer appearance is FLAWLESS. They have NO witnesses to the torture YOU go through and they will separate you form your FAMILY AND FRIENDS and your "fear of them" keeps you isolated and a SLAVE TO THE ABUSE!! (ask me how I know....).
How do I know - I've "BEEN THROUGH IT"! Through "Deborah's Freedom", I have learned of tales that far exceed the pain I suffered. You see, I am still here to talk about it - I converse with "MOTHERS" whose children have died at the hands of domestic violence fueled by someone with HIDDEN issues in their lives which were not dealt with as a child - or as an adult for that matter. The "BREAKING NEWS" explode with news of casualties by way of domestic abuse but instances of domestic violence that result in death seem to be nestled between sports and weather. In short, it appears that there is no real "shock value" and "awe" because it happens so much in this society. Who knows - maybe the punishment of domestic abuse does NOT fit the crime - who knows, were there any signs? The BIGGEST PROBLEM is - NOTHING brings back the loved one - closure is sometimes left between the surviving family members and God. Greater, more experienced and more educated minds have discussed the danger of being with a NARC - but I assure you - there is NOTHING that can "prepare" anyone for living "through" being a partner to someone suffering - particularly if "they" re not willing to admit there is anything wrong.. Society says "put your best foot forward" so we "filter our photos" so people only SEE our best side - even though there could easily be great pain behind that "Pepsodent" smile!! Long and short to this sage - I "LEARNED" HOW TO LIVE A LIE! I sure did. Besides, no one believed that the man I was in love with WOULD EVER BEAT YOU UP, DEBORAH"! Ha. The greatest weapon of a NARC is their EGO and public persona. The hate, the chaos, the pain, the isolation, the financial "death" is all done behind closed doors! The NARC will make their victim look like the "wrong" person. Yeah, the NARC can have a corner office on the 12th floor of a high-rise building to the PASTOR of your church. (.. I said it). We associate power and prestige with a "free pass". Nothing could be worse! Nothing could be more incorrect. If you don't believe me - ask their "significant other"!! I used to think that the term "NARC" was a "bad word" and NAH, this "illness" could not be as bad as people say it is - but it is. If someone breaks their arm (for instance) they go to a doctor to get the bone reset and maybe get a cast and proceed with the healing process. Mental illness is "flying under the radar" and in the personality disorder of a NARC - not a lot of people are listening - except those who are going through, lived through it or going through it. It is a "living hell" beyond ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.
Since "NEW" people join or view "Deborah's Freedom" - let me end my own saga with this. I have ALWAYS BEEN IN CHURCH. From the usher board to the choir. From the altar worker to the greeter. NO ONE KNEW I WAS A WALKING DEAD PERSON. My NARC HATED my love of God, the Pastor and leadership of the church - because he imagined I loved THEM more than HIM. (... fractured ego on his part). It is customary for a NARC to be insecure. I did NOT know the depth of HIS pain until it was too late and I was too scared to leave. LONGEST STORY SHORT - he used to choke me - as the biggest turn of events - he got 4th stage terminal cancer - in his THROAT. Call it kismet, karma or fate - his throat used to constrict the sme way mind did when he choked me. I moved 12 hours away to seek refuge for myself and my daughter but his rants did not stop with distance because "I" was emotionally damaged. His very voice could put me in an emotional frenzy. Yeah, I had escaped - or did I? Situation after situation after situation later...... I stood in front of his casket about a year ago. I do not relish in his death - but I am relieved that I do not have to endure the drama. "Finding myself again" has been a daunting task but God has done a GREAT WORK IN ME. The casket he sought to put ME in .... all I can say is "what the enemy meant for evil - God meant for my good".... "no weapon formed against me (... and the weapon was formed)... it just did not prosper! Oh, Glory!
Going through it - or decompressing form a bad relationship hurts worse than being in one. The rejection phase and the "did that "really" happen" syndrome is REAL! (PTSD is "very common)..... I mean emotionally, physically, mentally and financially depleted and you have a child that looks just like "HIM". Oh, to be sure a NARC has no gender association because there are a lot of WOMEN with dysfunctional memories that are played out "silently". Oh, yeah - I personally KNOW women who BEAT their partners on a regular basis! Men just process the "silent scream" differently. Men will show up for life and the most discerning eye will NEVER know they had "hot grits" thrown at them before they came to work!!
Maybe you are in the "GOING THROUGH IT" stage of life. Maybe you are watching someone you love suffer from an incurable disease - mental or physical in nature. You talked to God and yet you still see them "slipping away". Perhaps you have been served divorce papers after you found out that your partner "lied and cheated" AGAIN. This is not the "picture perfect" life you had dreamed of is it? Are you "going through" your mind right now and crying inside because the people around you "HAVE NO IDEA" what is "truly" going on inside of you? You are raging inside and you are SAVED. The PROBLEM with having been "in church" all of my life - is the absence of being "street smart" or recognizing the stages that a NARC was capable of doing to an innocent VICTIM. Churches spend a lot of time talking about the FIVE-FOLD MINISTRY but little on "COMMON SENSE" and "ACCOUNTABILITY". It is EASY to feel inadequate as a "single person" in church because the marriage conferences "FAR" outweigh the substance needed in being a single person in a marriage dominated atmosphere!! How could GOD let you go through this? Here is one thing I learned on my journey - GOD IS NOT LETTING YOU DOWN - GOD IS LETTING YOU LEARN. Which brings me to rearranging my "cry out to God". I now ask God - "What are you TEACHING ME"? (He taught me to fluidly talk to YOU right now)! I personally "LEARNED" (the hard way" that there IS a thing called "love at first sight" - but there is no need to "change my name" until a serious "check-list" is satisfied. One of my GREATEST "take-aways" is making sure YOU learn the family tree from which this "person" comes from. If "nuts" fall from that tree - do you have one of those "nuts" seeking to be in bed with you? The family that your "intended" came from is as vital as ANYTHING ELSE you can imagine "before" saying "I DO". The "nuts" do not fall far from the tree!! If there was a history of mental illness, a history of being a work-a-holic, a history of domestic violence, etc. - this is "their" normal and to exercise what "they" grew up with on YOU is "normal" for them. If there is NO drama - they will create drama because this is what is NORMAL to them. All in all - the stakes are different NOW. I mean were "they" born with their "plumbing" or did they "BUY IT"?. Inquiring minds need to know! Does he or she still have the "stench" of their ex on them? Are they still "emotionally bleeding"?
Maybe you are GETTING THROUGH IT. Listen here. Let no one tell you how long it takes for you to grieve. The reality is knowing that you cannot "unpack your emotional bags" and grieve forever. Losing someone is HORRIFIC. Loss of someone close to you is a pain that comes from a place inside you may not have even known existed. I lost (in this order) - my younger brother, my dad, my older brother AND my mom two days later). I was not able to process these losses before I had to stand in front of the coffin of my daughter's father (... yes, my former abuser). I finally had to go to counselling because this extraordinary grief was making me uncertain if I wanted to live myself! At one point the ONLY thing that kept me going was the innocent eyes of my daughter because I knew she needed me. I learned about intimacy with God. God was FARRRRRRR from the favorite pew in church! LIFE WILL HUMBLE YOU!! I learned how to tap the floor with my little feet and walk these floors talking to The Almighty One!!! FOR REAL!! I researched scriptures and reminded God of his promises!! What about when you start to "lose friends"? "Getting through" losing friends is a daunting task UNTIL you realize that NOT EVERYONE IS PART OF "YOUR" JOURNEY or YOUR DESTINY. Once you decide that NO ONE is worth going to hell for - some decisions are just easier to make!! I am a firm believer that you cannot "take" everyone on the journey towards YOUR destiny. Some people will just be "extra weight" and delay your forward movement. Oh, yeah. We all want "friends" and people to talk to - BUT - the danger is "too many voices". I was having trouble
"hearing or listing to the :voice of God" because I was nursing the fractured ego of people who wanted to align with me FAVOR on my life. People KNOW when they are being blessed by association and will "suck the life out of you" - thereby preventing YOU form being FOCUSED. #DISTRACTIONS There is a time you must "reassess" the people in your life. That need to block and delete feature comes in handy during these times of purging. (.... and break that "REWIND button while you are at it)..... You are NOT looking back anymore - 'cause that is not where you LIVE anymore!!!!! Look, it is not a "beef" with anybody. It takes two people to beef and if I don't care anymore - you are just at me. Life is short. Life is "real" short. This ain't no "dress rehearsal. No "Take 2" - let's film that scene of your life again kinda thing. You will not be able to go to the "CUSTOMER SERVICE WINDOW" of life and get a "do-over", return or lay-away because the life you had did not turn out like you wanted it to. Sometimes life is all about math - addition, multiplying AND subtraction! Don't be "UGLY" - just bow out gracefully. Are you going through your "RED SEA" experience - BUT - the water has not parted yet? Been there - done that! There is no "formula" for HOW you are gonna come out of your situation - but you can rest assured that YOU WILL COME OUT!!
These scenarios are only a "tip of the iceberg" because EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT. EVERYONE HAS A "DIFFERENT" cross to bear. Before you start "wishing" or "covet" the life of someone else - just remind yourself - you have NO IDEA how heavy their cross is to carry. Don't let what they SHOW YOU or what you SEE fool you. You want a"double dose of the anointing on MY life" - take it ALL - INCLUDING THE PAIN. You have no idea what it takes to be mean. You can take my DROWN - but it will not fit YOU!
No matter where you are in the scheme of life - just know YOU WILL MAKE IT! Carefully consider that suicide is not EVEN an answer. I strongly urge you to seek help before you even put "taking your own life" as an option. Truth is - EVERYBODY IS HURTING - WAS HURTING or is PROCESSING A PAST INJUSTICE. There are professional venues to explore and ALWAYS remember that everything works better if it is "unplugged" for a minute. "Unplug" yourself form what is bothering you - fall back - the same situation will not seem so bad if you separate it from YOURSELF for a minute by talking to someone you TRUST! Professionals are postured and EXPERIENCED to help. Just don't "turn your own lights off" because the road seems painful to travel. It is just not WORTH it! The answer to your problem could be waiting for you to arrive - in a place called TOMORROW. God is already there.
Take heart - your present situation is NOT your permanent destination!!
Encourage someone today - better yet - encourage YOURSELF!
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