MY GIFT TO YOU!

The holiday season is brutal for some while for others the holiday season brings out the bets in family memories and treasured traditions being observed.  As we embark upon a new year, we even make resolutions - with good intentions.  

As a former domestic abuse victim - commonly known as a "survivor" - I understand the angst felt as a single-mom.  You see, I NEVER looked in the mirror and said "one day I want to be a single-mom, have my credit ruined by my es, nurse wounds my daughter will never know about and yet smile for the camera in an effort to embrace the season.  Whom amongst us in the single parent community said, "I have decided I want to struggle", fake my smile and make the holidays festive for people around me - and yet feel enormously broken inside?  Can you feel me?

It makes me shudder when people say "get over it" and "it is in your past".... oh, but domestic violence is NOT just the moment of physical or emotional impact, it is something that STAYS with you in varying degrees.  For me, I found domestic violence more difficult to process than the loss of a loved one.  Grief is a natural process of living - at some point, we all must meet our maker.  The process for which some leave earth is painful but when you examine the fact that there is NOTHING you can do to bring the loved one back from death, you spend time with God to find closure.  Please don't get me wrong with my posture of writing.  I am fully aware that there are murders and untimely deaths and the cries of the loved ones are haunting.  I am fully aware that losing a loved one - no m matter what their age is excruciating but it is part of our race.  Part of our journey.  Part of what God already had in HIS plan.  Which brings me to survivors of grief, survivors of domestic violence, survivors of war wounds, survivors of mental attacks and the painful list goes on.  God is NOT sitting in Heaven scratching his head saying - "I did not see that coming".  

It is NOT your fault that you are processing a painful memory.  I used to find it hard to go to shopping locales and seeing what I would consider a "nuclear family" enjoying the festive atmospheres and aromas of the holidays.  The outward displays of affection.  Carefully choosing gifts for their loved ones.  Getting change back from the register.  Heck, not asking the clerk how much something costs and I was just grateful to get a canned ham from a community agency to have dinner for the holidays.  Notwithstanding is the fact that in truth - I did not know the story about the families I had seen in the mall - I just "assumed" their life HAD to be better than my present station in life.  It is all about PERCEPTION.  Lesson learned, I don't "assume" anymore.  

We are a negative society.  We will take glory in a "canned sermon" offering well developed words, spoken from a sacred desk that sounds more like a motivational speech.  Positive affirmations are good but lead me back to the cross.  The death, burial and resurrection of our soon coming King is paramount.  There is more "bad news" to go around.  With the influx of social media - we see "bad news" almost as it is taking place!  How do we enrich our souls during turbulent times?  GO back to basics.  The church USED to be the cornerstone of every community but somewhere we lost our way.  The teaching about the "hot fire and brimstone of hell" is over-shadowed by what color the carpet should be in the sanctuary.  Just like Heaven is a prepared place - don't be fooled - hell is a prepared place and is enlarging every day.  As I said before, I like stuff.  I have a lot of "stuff".  Thing is, "stuff" does not get you into Heave - but it can take you to hell (in a rocket)!!

It is not YOUR fault that things are not lining up the way you may want them to.  Here is what I have learned over the years... You Ready?  God has a purpose and a plan for our lives.  Listen, it was my pain that pushed me to my purpose of writing to you - and hopefully encouraging you today.  Who knew that my journey through domestic abuse would be the catalyst from which God would use to encourage others.  Was my journey painful, HECK YEAH!  Was it my fault - in part - YES - I overlooked "red flags" and refused to accept my relationship "deal breakers".  I THOUGHT I could love my (former) abuser beyond his dysfunction but my love was not enough.  

As you cycle through the holidays - my best admonition to you is to not be depressed.  Strike a balance between what you do have over what you do not have.  You have your life.  There are people gasping for air in hospitals that would give ANYTHING to have the gift of not using a medical device to breathe.  The best gift you can give your children is the gift of YOU.  Toys will come and go - toys get lost under the sofa and some kids appreciate the box rather than the contents.  If you are a parent - make what you have so special, the kids don't even know they are poor.  I put my first Christmas tree in a trash can, tied a string and attached it to a wall so it would not fall down, I organized a sheet underneath, went to the dollar store and got a couple of ornaments and a can of "snow" - WOOLAH - Christmas!! :-)  My daughter was so young, she did not know any better and sometimes it is the parent that makes more of a "big deal" about the holidays than the children do!  I vividly recall giving my young daughter at the time a $10 dollar bill and opened the door to the dollar store.  I told her she could get TEN THINGS- she did not know she was not at the mall, she did not know that I wanted to take her to Toys-R-US, all she knew is that she could get TEN items of her choice!!  She ran around like she won the lottery!!  Up and down the aisles she went and returned to me several times and said "are you serious - I can get TEN things" Longest story short, to this day, it does not take a lot to make her happy!!  

It is not your fault that you want someone to busy themselves in stores to look for something for YOU either.  Oh, how I wanted someone to love me enough to buy ME something, too.  I did not want to compromise my values to get SOMETHING so I learned to make peace with NOTHING.  Oh, wait a minute - maybe I did have SOMETHING.  I had my peace of mind.  

'Tis the season to be Jolly!  Everyday is a GIFT FROM GOD!!  What we do with our gift is our purpose in life.  I read something today that really registered with me:

"YOUR MINISTRY IS FOUND WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN BROKEN; 
YOUR TESTIMONY IS FOUND WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN RESTORED".

You are valuable to the KINGDOM.  You are valuable to your CHILDREN.  You are valuable to your FAMILY (which is not always biological).  You are valuable to people that will nto always validate you - but are watching your every move (some call them HATERS).  Most of all... you are valuable to YOU.

MEMORIES.... OUCH!

Right now is a good time to insert my disclaimer. I do not minimize the plight of grief by way of the grave.  Kindly weigh the consideration of death to the drams and self-esteem of some.  Going through domestic violence is a form of a death.  It is painful beyond words to see excerpts of families asking the hard questions as they bury their family members by way of domestic violence.  I "think" domestic violence is the most "under rated" crime.  Emotional abuse has not scar that is visible but those memories... Good God!  How many times have you sat alone and liquid memories flow from your eyes just to meet at your chin and fall - feeling unconscious to remember to grab a tissue?  Grief of any kind is damaging if not processed correctly - but what is "correct"?  Lying on a sofa and discussing the details with a medical professional works for some.  Medications have found their way into our lives with credible positive results.  I found peace on my knees - in prayer.  

You may not acknowledge your fine qualities to yourself but when God looks over the portals of Heaven, He knows YOU are his CHILD.  God put seeds of greatness in you.  You asked God to help you grow - so he sent some rain.  We are all a work in progress and at "Deborah's Freedom" - we GROW together - and now let's GLOW together.

It was NEVER your fault - kindly don't carry the guilt of "what happened" as the mantle of your existence.  Bad things DO happen to good people.  God has the "final say" but don't lose another day not loving YOURSELF.

Go ahead stand under the mistletoe and "throw a kiss to the wind" as a celebration of all you have been through.  You don't look like what you have been through, do you?

May your holidays be bright!!  

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